Advanced Lawnmower Simulator II
by Joseph Aron
J. Aron Software Ltd
1990

OH NO, IT'S THE AWESOME ATTACK OF THE... YS READER'S GAMES

Here at YS, we've recently been engulfed by an astounding number* of games that you, our lovely readers, have written and (if that wasn't disaster enough) sent in for our perusal. (Presumably so we could laugh at them as well. Ho ho, just joking.) Well, as you can probably imagine, at first we tried to ignore them but soon they were flooding in so fast that we just couldn't hold out any longer.

So here, as a last resort (and we do mean last), is RICH PELLEY, who we've chained to a desk, and forced to play through your fine offerings to give us his 'expert' opinion. Take it away, Rich... (but don 't say we didn't warn you).

*Nine, actually.

Firstly, I'd like to say how impressed I've been with the standard of games you've sent in. But unfortunately I can't - 'cos they're all crap (hem). No, maybe that's a bit unfair. I was vaguely impressed with some (well, one actually). But the majority were crap, as you're about to see.

But before I get down to some serious slagging, perhaps you'd like to know (though I doubt it) how the professionals do their stuff. Y'see writing a decent game ain't quite as easy as you may think. At a proper software 'house' (presumably a 'house' because they all live there or something) you have quite a few people working on the same game at once, all doing different bits and bobs. First, you'll find someone writing the code (the actual game) in machine code, probably using an assembler - all of which is very complicated and means you have to be extremely brainy to know what's going on. Of course, he won't be using a Speccy (seeing as it's terminally crap at this sort of thing), so a far more impressive computer which costs loads more and has lots more keys (and maybe even a pretty light if he's lucky) will be adopted instead, such as an ST. Basically this serves exactly the same purpose as our rubber-keyed chum, except that it's a little bit more user-friendly ('cos there's loads more memory) and far, far more importantly, it looks a lot more flash.

As well as this, another arty-farty bloke (or indeed woman) will 'do' the graphics, whilst yet another writes a little ditty using lots of keyboards, funny black boxes and pretty lights (which is later ported into the Speccy). And, would you believe, it all costs rather a lot of money. Overall, I'd say (but don't take my word for it) that it takes around four months for everyone working full-time to write a game from start from finish - and some of them are still pretty naff after all that.

But why on earth am I telling you all this, you may well be asking. Good question. Why did I tell you that? Erm... Ah yes. Well, now you can see what you're up against when you try to write a game yourself. I mean, I'm sure that someone cramped up in a decaying bedroom with a cold cup of coffee in one hand and a copy of Playboy in the other (well, that's how I do it, anyway), frantically trying to write a game won't get very far, if you see what I mean. Which all goes to show, um, something or other. So there you go. Now you know.

'ELLO, JOHN, GORRA NEW MOTOR?

Still reading? Oh, good. Whilst sifting through the piles of games and things you've sent in I've (sort of) dropped them into three different categories. And here they are...

First, there are the ones that are crap on purpose. Y'know the sort of thing - Advanced Yoghurt Carton Simulator and the like. Then there are the ones which are meant to be taken seriously, but are crap all the same. And lastly, well, there are the ones which really aren't too bad. (Take YS Capers, for instance, which we featured on the Smash Tape last issue - a game written at home by a YS reader for a bit of fun and sent in to us just like all these other games, the only difference being that Damian Scattergood is, of course, a professional programmer on the quiet, so he was pretty well sussed up).

Not that any of this is at all relevant, of course. I just thought I'd stick it in so you'd think I knew what I was doing here.

THE SCORES ON THE DOORS

The usual scoring system seems a tad inappropriate here (seeing as it doesn't go below one'), so instead we've adopted a brand new one instead (ie I've just made it up).

TECHNICAL INGENUITY

Or 'How clever is the programmer?' Does the game boast wacky graphical routines, winy sound and decent playability? Or, erm, doesn't it?

ACHIEVEMENT

Did the prog achieve what it set out to do? Did it do a perfect job, or come a right old cropper in the process?

FUN

Is the game a laugh to watch and fun to play, or is it as boring as something that really is a bit on the boring side?

CRAP FACTOR

Erm, yes... Nuff said.

OVERALL

The overall mark is a sort of idea about how far the game would get if it was released at full price on a proper label - so it may get an extremely low mark even if I thought it was really good. If you see what I mean. Okay? (Just don't get hurt if I'm a bit nasty about your pride and joy - it doesn't make you a bad person or anything!)

ADVANCED LAWNMOWER SIMULATOR THE TRILOGY*

*Except there's four of them, But y'know what I mean.

By Rodney Sproston

Advanced Lawnmower Simulator, eh? The game which launched a thousand clones (well, three, actually). Personally, I think that someone should shoot Duncan MacDonald, 'cos apart from being stark-raving mad (several sandwiches short of a picnic in fact) it was he who was responsible for the 'original' - initially Megagamed as an April Fool joke, then featured on one of our Smash Tapes.

In case you were fortunate enough not to have seen it then come closer, gather round and I'll explain. According to the 'blurb', ALS is (and you may have guessed the already - the title gives it away a bit) "A powerful and accurate lawnmower simulator". First, you have to choose your mower from a choice of one (the other five are all broken) then "get to that grass". Simply press 'M' to engage the motor and away you mow (ho ho) - far less bower than a hover I'd say. Every few games or so, your mower hits a rock and blows up, killing you in the process - probably the 'highlight' of the game really. Um, what fun, eh, listeners?

But ruddy heck! It's the sequel (this time written by the infamous Rodney Sproston) - alien grass has invaded the moon and only one person can mow it down (ie you, you clot). A subtle change of background colours, a few stars and we're away - no probs. I love it.

Then there's Advanced Lawnmower Simulator III - while happily mowing away one day you accidentally stumble into a nightmare and your only solution is to mow your way out through the dream hole. A touch unoriginal, you may think (if rather spooky in concept - what is this man on?), but oh ho no - this one's vastly different. You have to press 'O' instead to turn on your motor. What joys!

Hoping I'd never ever have to face another lawnmower simulator again, I was less than pleased to find myself loading up ALS Part Four - The Revenge Of Mow (he's the chap who invaded the moon earlier on). Shortly after buying a new mower (the Wet Dream II from the previous game seems to have broken), all your money flies out of your pocket and into an empty field. You clumsy git! Now it's your task to simply run about picking it up, avoiding Mow (the scamp) and trying not to crash into the electric fence. Part Four sees a slight departure from the usual format though, as you can no doubt see in the screenshot. Yes, it looks exactly the same as Crystal Quest, an ancient game we have running on our office Apple Macs (but loads worse). Should you manage to pick up 25 of those '!' thingies, you get onto the next level which is, erm, exactly the same as the one before.

Well, what more is there to say? Utter crap.

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REVIEW BY: Rich Pelley

Blurb: Well, what an excruciatingly brilliant feature that was, if I do say so myself - so good, in fact, that we'll have to do it again sometime. So if you've written a game or something (preferably not another one of those pesky lawnmower simulators though, and not just some utility or display - send them to JD's Prog Pitstop instead) and you're ready for some constructive criticism (ie a right slagging-off), then send it to me, Rich Pelley, at the Crap Game Corner, Your Sinclair, 30 Monmouth Street, Bath BA1 2AP. And no doubt it'll appear in the hallowed pages of a future issue of this fine publication. Byeee!!!