Curious eyebrow-raisers from Sinclair User's Gremlin column

[PeteProdge]

You could argue that St Bruce did put the Oric in its rightful market position... Also, it's funny to see that even in 1985, no-one took him seriously.

Two issues later, the news page of SU reads:

"Blight as home micro companies fall like flies

THE GOOD times have gone. During the last few weeks, Prism, Oric, Stack Computer Systems and Nordic Keyboards - which took over Fuller only a few months ago - are no longer with us.
[...]
Oric has found itself in the unenviable position of owing an estimated £5.5 million, especially to Edenspring Investments - its financial backers.
Orc's UK career has been dogged by bad luck. The Oric 1 was launched to compete with the Spectrum and failed miserably; the Atmos too did not do well in this country."

[merman]

Job interviewer: "So, you've got decades of experience in marketing to the computer/console gaming market. Tell me, what observations have you got on the key demographic here?"

Interviewee: "They're all man-children! Pathetic cry babies! They're mentally deficient and deserve mockery!"

Job interviewer: "On your way out, ask the next guy in."

When he was interviewed at a Play Expo, he said what a marketing genius he was at Codemasters. Just after saying that the Dizzy games became popular “by word of mouth”. Now, that contradicts itself.

[Joefish]

I don't know the issue number or date, but there was one issue with a close-up photograph of a mean-looking pirate on the cover. Not memorable for any articles about piracy, but memorable for Gremlin reproducing a picture from a porn mag of a glamour model in lingerie (possibly Jo Guest, possibly someone completely unknown) feeding a parking meter next to a C5. I guess they were still assuming they were attracting a more mature audience at that point. They weren't.

[SteveSmith]

When he was interviewed at a Play Expo, he said what a marketing genius he was at Codemasters. Just after saying that the Dizzy games became popular “by word of mouth”. Now, that contradicts itself.

He seems to be full of contradictions. "Imagine wasted loads of money on fast cars and stupidly high expenses because they were in prime city centre offices [....] but it was piracy that caused us to go bust".

[Morkin]

I don't know the issue number or date, but there was one issue with a close-up photograph of a mean-looking pirate on the cover. Not memorable for any articles about piracy, but memorable for Gremlin reproducing a picture from a porn mag of a glamour model in lingerie (possibly Jo Guest, possibly someone completely unknown) feeding a parking meter next to a C5. I guess they were still assuming they were attracting a more mature audience at that point. They weren't.

Spoiler

SU October 1985 page 130 if anyone needs it...

[PeteProdge]

Highlights from Gremlin in Sinclair User #36 (Mar 1985)

• Sir Clive Sinclair's scuffle with Acorn's Chris Curry at the Baron Of Beef pub in Cambridge is the lead item here, it's also the only thing covered on the Sinclairvoyance page and it's also in the news pages. Gremlin goes into more detail and notes the two microcomputer businessmen continued discussions over at wine bar Shades, which was apparently an "amicable evening" . The landlord of the pub says "they are both respected customers of mine and I have no further comment".
• The sole ZX Spectrum game from Dynavision is Havoc, which was reviewed in Crash (59%) and SU (2/10) in 1984. Amsterdam-based Alan Osborne is furious, because he reckons it's a rip-off of his Commodore 64 game of the same name. "Osborne wants everybody to boycott the Spectrum version, which reviews agree is eminently avoidable." Oh, Dynavision also published it for the C64, again, their sole game for that platform.
  
• Haresoft gets another mocking for another press release it's put out about Hareraiser, which claims it's being bought by schools "to involve pupils in developing computer logic schools" and that a headmaster says "most schools bought Hareraiser to try and win the £30,000 for their school."
  
• Empires is described by Gremlin as an "intergalactic yawn that needs at least four Spectrums to play at a rate of one move per forty minutes". Gremlin suggests a Brazen Backslappers of The Month award for Imperial Software's director Steve Baker who describes players being "in the grip of a galactic cult".
  
• Don Priestley gets a slagging off for writing "three pages of drivel emanating from his 'seminar' on the game [Minder by DK'Tronics]". It states that TV spinoffs are inspiring programmers to develop new forms of Artificial Intelligence. "Priestley says he's not sure what AI is, but whatever it is, Mind has got it..."
  

[Stu]

• Don Priestley gets a slagging off for writing "three pages of drivel emanating from his 'seminar' on the game [Minder by DK'Tronics]". It states that TV spinoffs are inspiring programmers to develop new forms of Artificial Intelligence. "Priestley says he's not sure what AI is, but whatever it is, Mind has got it..."

Someone writing reams of exaggerated nonsense overselling the state of AI?? Surely not???

[Lee Bee]

Regarding Bruce Everiss, since no one here is defending him, I'd like to offer a bit of balance… (Sticking it in spoilers as off-topic.)

Spoiler

I don't know too much about the man, but he seems like a decent bloke to me, and I certainly haven't seen anything objectionable in his writing.

He blew money on sportscars? My kind of guy. My dad loved his Ferraris and I'm so glad he got to enjoy them before he died. Isn't that the point of life?

I'm also 100% with Bruce on tax - both men and women pay tax on necessities, including most men getting taxed for shaving our beards every day. It's a non-issue.

Moreover, the suggestion that women should get tax exemption is borderline sexism—something I am vehemently against, and it would seem that Bruce is with me on this. The modern rise of sexism against men is utterly shocking and appalling and we need to DENOUNCE it at every turn because it is a true evil.

I agree with his tongue-in-cheek pop at "fanboys" - he obviously wasn't talking about regular games "fans", but "fanboys" - a pejorative term for those argumentative online types with an irrational and blind devotion to some brand. To quote Bruce, "Those who display sociopathic behaviour because of a lump of plastic, who go to war on the internet against a legion of imagined enemies".

Again, I'm with him completely on this. Most people on the internet have encountered "fanboys" - they're unpleasant types with an unhealthy loyalty to some huge greedy corporation such as Nintendo - corporations whose only aim is to suck money out of customers' wallets while pretending to be their friend.

The real motivation of these 'fanboys' is less about the product and more about wanting to be part of some "team" to fight some imagined war with an enemy. It's a tribal mentality, like football hooligans - the type of young men who enlist in the army not because they care about the cause being fought over, but purely because they enjoy attacking others.

Which brings us to his interaction with Stuart Campbell. Reading that conversation, it seemed quite clear which of the two men was being arrogant and argumentative—which of them had manners and which had a very big chip on his shoulder. Now Bruce may have his facts wrong on that particular issue, or be biased, but which would you rather be stuck in a lift with? A hostile know-it-all, or an ill-informed gentleman? Surely the most important thing is not winning arguments, but treating others with respect. "Love thy neighbour"! Peace!

[PeteProdge]

Today I'm pleased this forum has an 'ignore member' option.

[Lee Bee]

Gosh. I've always been fond of Mr Prodge. Evidently, my call for peace and good-will was lost on him and I'm quite baffled and profoundly saddened by the reaction. In any case, I guess the two of us won't be interacting again, and I'll avoid his threads for obvious reasons. But for the record I wish him well and no hard feelings. Best wishes and love to all

[PeteProdge]

Sinclair User #37 Apr 1985

• Deus Ex Machina by Automata got voted Game Of The Year at the Computer Trade Association dinner. Christian Penfold's speech thanked the distributors who took it on, then read out a list of dismal numbers each distributor had taken.
  
• Another smirk aimed at Bruce Everiss, who has resigned from Tansoft when the operation pulled the Oric out of the UK. "When I learned the facts of life at Tansoft, I thought it prudent to get out."
• Fire Iron, the post-Imagine company founded by Dave Lawson and Ian Hetherington (because Sinclair Research paid them a rumoured £100,00 for the rights to Bandersnatch and to have that game exclusively released for the Sinclair QL) is facing a wrath of mail-based hatred. Lots of unwanted post, including "disgusting" personal mail; fire extinguishers and rubbish skips is "causing distress to our familes" according to Ian. (Um, the closest we'll ever get to the QL's non-existent Bandersnatch is the Atari ST's Brataccas, reportedly containing some elements of it, hence this screenshot here...)
  
• Ocean's David Ward brought Afghan coats and loon pants to Britain in a little aside by Gremlin after a quote from David on owning "about 30% of the [games software] industry".
• Airwolf by Elite is quite rightly attributed with the "unplayable" adjective and there's a bit of "chinny reckon" about the press release that claims 50,000 copies sold in six weeks. Anyway, Richard Wilcox at Elite claims Dukes Of Hazzard will have 100 screens of the General Lee doing its thing.
  
• The winner of Martech's competition to find the player with the longest jump in Eddie Kidd's Jump Challenge managed to (virtually) leap over 25 cars and won the star prize of... a Toshiba MSX, which Gremlin describes as "about as much use as the game is fun".
  
• Sir Clive Sinclair is reportedly overjoyed to be depicted in ITV's Spitting Image, saying "I've become a household name". Gremlin offers a hint that he may have insisted playing the recording to all his staff.
• Apparently, Amsoft have a new game which "features two captains of industry hurling computers at each other", where the Clive character gets taken to hospital in a C5. News to me. Did it actually exist or is it, I suspect, an industry in-joke?

[Alessandro]

I remember that back in 1987 there were recurring gags in Gremlin about Star Trek The Rebel Universe's much anticipated and never seen Spectrum release.

[XTM]

Apparently, Amsoft have a new game which "features two captains of industry hurling computers at each other", where the Clive character gets taken to hospital in a C5. News to me. Did it actually exist or is it, I suspect, an industry in-joke?

I wonder if it is this game? Doesn't exactly fit the description, but there are Speccys flying around and your character gets taken to hospital when he loses a life.

[PeteProdge]

I wonder if it is this game? Doesn't exactly fit the description, but there are Speccys flying around and your character gets taken to hospital when he loses a life.

Good point, and nice observation there, but the "© 1984" message on the title screen would mean it came out before Sir Clive rolled up that newspaper!

[SteveSmith]

I'd be surprised if Clive was genuinely overjoyed at being in Spitting Image, especially with these two sketches:-

[Sham Mountebank]

Plus this from the Spitting Image book

[SteveSmith]

Talking of Spitting Image books, I remember reading one of theirs back in the day and it had some quite Spectrum-specific jokes such as "If you read the FRAMES system variable, it tells you the snooker score."

[PeteProdge]

Plus this from the Spitting Image book

Ooh, a million K is a gigabyte. While impressive for the time (Er, Pete, you're taking the joke advert seriously - Ed), these days it's not really significant.

[SteveSmith]

These days it's not really significant.

Yeah, but look at all that Rim!

[PeteProdge]

Sinclair User #38 May 1985

• Imagine is back! In Pog form! Alright, no, but Ocean's David Ward is "relaunching the Imagine label under the name Imagine 84, to distinguish it from the other 83 versions which were current when the company folded, depending on which director you talked to." This reincarnation is to be lead by former Imagine guy Colin Stokes who had also been involved with Software Projects.
• If only Public Enemy's Flavor Flav was around to warn us not to believe the hype over The Great Space Race. The software company Legend has seriously upset distributors over the dismal quality of the game. John Peel at the company "hired a country mansion last summer for several months and filled it up with Legend programmers. TSGR - written in glorious Basic - was the result."
  
• The past really was a different place, as we learn about the apparently grim behaviour of Buffer Micro's Mike Howard. He has "been boasting of ejecting women from his shop" and reckons one particular woman he kicked out "has hairy armpits". The reason for her ejection? She complained about pornography photos stuck on the wall. Gremlin labels him a "caveman". However, Mike Howard would be disputing this quote claiming Computer Trade Weekly made it all up. We'll learn more about this in the next load of Gremlin gossip. We're left with a context-less insult from Gremlin: "his comments are a bit rich coming from a man who used to prance about in public wearing a leotard, silk pantaloons and makeup. Or perhaps he wants to put his circus days behind him". Does this mean he was a wrestler, acrobat or singer? Bizarre. And it'd rumble on for a few issues.
• "Jack Tramiel is a great guy, but he does have a habit of launching machines well before they are ready." This is apparently a real quote by Sir Clive Sinclair, at the launch of the QL. "...as do we all I suppose."
• A disposable nappy is sent to Sinclair User, with the message "there's a Big One coming your way" printed on it. It's from Mikro-Gen and thankfully it's just a promotional 'gift' to promote new game Herbert's Dummy Run.
  

[SteveSmith]

Looking at the original article, I see they've got another pic of "St Bruce", with the caption "In the complete absence of any gossip about St Bruce, here's a pic of the Holy One. Software houses with vacancies to fill, beware.". I sometime think that, coming to the Spectrum "late" at around the end of 84, I missed all the action.

[PeteProdge]

Sinclair User #39 Jun 1985

• "Everyone knows you have to get a game into the arcades to make any money" is an utterly laughable phrase to anyone with knowledge of gaming. It was uttered - in public - by a Daily Mirror 'journalist' at a DK'Tronics press launch of their Thames Television licensed Minder, where yer actual George Cole was present alongside programmer Don Priestley who did a lot more talking than 'Arthur Daley' did. The newspaper thicko continued, asking if Minder was going to be "the new Pac Man" and if it's going to "be a battle game or what?"
  
• If you thought George Osborne had it bad last weekend with 'The Email', there's apparently an ex-employee of DK'tronics with access to a lot of photocpied headed notepaper making fake press releases about the private life of company owner David Heelas. One printable allegation that Gremlin can put in from these poison pen letters, that David would be selling the company and moving to Great Yarmouth, which the company denies but the accusation claims it was said by David at a recent court appearance.
• 'Tired and emotional' is a loaded phrase used to describe public figures in a questionable state. To be more succinct, the term "resting" can be used to describe the curious disappearance of someone and it's this term being used by Alan Maton of Software Projects to describe inactivity from Matthew Smith. "The flabby maestro of animated toilets is distressed by the attention of the media and only vants to be alone" is rather crass summary from Gremlin.
• "I'll punch him in the head, I'll ****ing kick his teeth in" is the quote attributed to, again, Alan Maton as another industry rumour-spreader is out there, a suspected 'Merseysider' spreading rumours that Software Projects is going bust. Well, history shows us that the label went on to release BC's Quest For Tires later in the year, then there was Dragon's Lair in 1986 and Dragon's Lair II in 1987. The final release was Star Paws in 1988.
• "Incensed by a derogatory news item about Gyron in a rival comic, creators Firebird promptly threatened to withdraw 10 grand's worth of advertising if the subsequent review spat similar vitriol. The rag in question, a slim publication catering mainly for the headbanger market, now features no review at all." I don't know which magazine Gremlin is referring to. Through this website, I can see there are reviews for Gyron in C&VG; Computer Gamer; Crash; Home Computing Weekly; MicroHobby; Sinclair User; Your Computer and Your Spectrum. Can we work it out from a process of elimination?
  
• Steve Wilcox has pushed out a press release for Elite which has a long list of their games but omits the recent 911TS ("an incredibly dull plug for Dunlop Tyres"), rated 1 out of 5 by SU and 58% by Crash.
  
• Liddlebitofpoliticsthere! Nick Alexander of Virgin is "a proud founder member of the SDP" and has been "co-opted to advise David Owen" on youth interests.
• Following on from the previous column, the alleged 'sexism' of Mike Howard of Buffer Micro (now "RIP") is under the spotlight again. "If Howard wanted any of it changed he could have said so" says Simon Harvey at Computer Trade Weekly. "I did, they wanted to make a crack about Greenham Common, and I said no, So they put in hairy armpits instead, which was even worse" Mike Howard has said elsewhere.

[SteveSmith]

"Incensed by a derogatory news item about Gyron in a rival comic, creators Firebird promptly threatened to withdraw 10 grand's worth of advertising if the subsequent review spat similar vitriol. The rag in question, a slim publication catering mainly for the headbanger market, now features no review at all." I don't know which magazine Gremlin is referring to. Through this website, I can see there are reviews for Gyron in C&VG; Computer Gamer; Crash; Home Computing Weekly; MicroHobby; Sinclair User; Your Computer and Your Spectrum. Can we work it out from a process of elimination?

This is just a guess, but could it be Your Spectrum, since the review was in their July issue, maybe after the SU article was written, and it got 2 "Miss"es and 1 Hit (although the Hit gave it a lower score than two misses (!) ). (This is on the same page as a reviewer giving Chaos a "Miss".)

https://archive.org/details/your-spectr ... ew=theater

[TMD2003]

"Incensed by a derogatory news item about Gyron in a rival comic, creators Firebird promptly threatened to withdraw 10 grand's worth of advertising if the subsequent review spat similar vitriol. The rag in question, a slim publication catering mainly for the headbanger market, now features no review at all." I don't know which magazine Gremlin is referring to. Through this website, I can see there are reviews for Gyron in C&VG; Computer Gamer; Crash; Home Computing Weekly; MicroHobby; Sinclair User; Your Computer and Your Spectrum. Can we work it out from a process of elimination?

I checked Big K only to find that its last issue went to print just before the reviews for Gyron were published.

I'm having a look through ZX Computing trying to find an insulting article but it still resembles the magazine it was in 1982, is well over 100 pages, and is full of long ZX81 listings. But there is an advert for Games Computing, by the same publisher, so they may have shoved something in there instead...

EDIT: there is a news article about Gyron in the June/July 1985 issue of ZX Computing, on page 15, but "vitriolic" it was not (or at least if Firebird took it that way, they were either illiterate or outright morons). Also, Games Computing ceased publication the same time as Big K did. Though if Gremlin said it was a "comic", maybe that's actually true? I thought it might have been Oink! or one of those similar ooh-look-at-us-look-at-how-edgy-we-are Viz-lights for teenagers... but that wasn't published until 1986.

[Sham Mountebank]

This is just a guess, but could it be Your Spectrum, since the review was in their July issue, maybe after the SU article was written, and it got 2 "Miss"es and 1 Hit (although the Hit gave it a lower score than two misses (!) ). (This is on the same page as a reviewer giving Chaos a "Miss".)

https://archive.org/details/your-spectr ... ew=theater

I think it must be Your Spectrum. By 1986 Gremlin is referring to Your Sinclair as "Headbangers Monthly" and describing it as "the slim publication."

https://archive.org/details/sinclair-us ... ew=theater