GIVIN' IT SOME STICK

Do you want to be an object of derision? Do you want your family to shun you, your friends to laugh at you, and total strangers to point you out in the street with a contemptuous sneer? No? Then what are you doing with that naff old joystick?

Just chill out, dude. Your joystick says more about you than cash ever can, so swap some of the folding stuff for a new weapon this Christmas.

Ratings are scored out of a maximum of five in three categories: Machismo (how much does it make you perform like Arnold Schwarzenegger), Knockdown Factor (how much it makes you perform like Arnold Schwarzenegger) and Dumbness Of Purchase (how much does it make you think like Arnold Schwarzenegger).

TAC-5
Supplier: Suncom
PRICE: £9.95

A real yuppie stick this. The sort of thing you expect to be given for passing your exams.

Sleek, stylish, clean and lean, this was probably designed by Italians, built by robots and broken by idiots.

The TAC-5 has a great gimmick - it clicks. That's why they call it the Tactile Audible Controller, see? Move the plastic handle - it clicks. Press one of the twin base-mounted fire buttons - it clicks. In fact, in the absence of auto-fire, the whole clicking thing is enough to drive you mental.

I can let you into a little secret. I took it apart to find that there's only one fire switch under the two buttons. (Cries of "Shame!" "Dashed bad show!" "May I leave the room?" etc). What's more, the life time guarantee doesn't apply to ordinary wear and tear. What other kind of wear and tear do they expect? Eh?

So, overall, good for bringing out on Sunday when Auntie comes to tea. but not a very VICIOUS stick.

THE JOY OF STICKS

We've waggled our way through the joystick jungle to bring you the latest on the firepower of ten top joysticks.

If you're a real games addict you'll know how important a good joystick is. Games have moved on a bit since Pacman and Space Invaders where all you had to do was move left and right and blast the fire button every now and again. Then you could use the same joystick for all the seven games on the market.

Nowadays, however, computer games are much more demanding and varied - shoot 'em ups, beat 'em ups, fly 'em ups, waggle 'em ups, steer 'em ups and even fry 'em ups - they all need differing degrees of precision, manoeuvrability and strength. Which is why you need a damn good joystick for the job - and there are plenty to choose from. So there's no excuse for a bad game player to blame his tools!

But which joystick is best for the games you play? Which joystick do you choose? There are thousands. And you've only got twenty quid.

Well, it just so happens that we've got a run-down on 10 of the most popular sticks on the market - read on to find out which one covers your every need.

THE GAMES

A joystick's performance varies considerably from game to game. The precise movements needed in a martial arts game become redundant in an out and out waggle 'em up. And then, the strength and slackness of one stick might not help in a steering game where full control and manoeuvrability is necessary. So, in order to test the joysticks fully, we chose three different titles to strain those sticks to the limit. Target Renegade tests for precision, Daley Thompson's Olympic Challenge for strength and Skate Crazy for manoeuvrability. And to make the contest even harder we asked three hot gamesplayers to give us their opinions on which sticks they preferred.

TARGET RENEGADE

A beefy beat 'em up. All that punching and kicking and butting requires a stick with easy access to diagonals and fire buttons, plus the ability to move slightly and quickly in any direction.

SKATE CRAZY

A loose and bouncy roller skate game, needing a combination of ease-of-movement and well positioned fire buttons for that sudden leap. A stick for this game will also need a strong shaft to resist those frantic circular steering motions.

DALEY THOMPSON'S OLYMPIC CHALLENGE

The meanest, the baddest and the toughest waggle 'em up in existence. The constant waggling environment requires a stick with excellent strength and good speed, coupled with a sturdy desk hold and well contoured grip.

THE JURY

Yes, solemn of face, tough of opinion, stingy of money, and ravenous of hunger, here are the three jury members, unswayable by money (or cheeseburger), ready to deliver their verdicts on the guilty sharp sticks.

STEVEN BREWER

Age: 16
Sex: Male
Dist Features: Inane grin
Computers: Speccy, QL
Fave Rave: Gauntlet
Hobbies: Grinning inanely, being enthusiastic about nothing
Fave Music: U2

MILES TUDOR

Age: 16
Sex: Twice a... (Snip. Ed)
Dist Features: Bloodshot, knackered eyes
Computers: I ain't got one, but if anybody's offerin'?
Fave Rave: Target Renegade
Hobbies: Sheep-spotting, train-spotting, spot-picking
Fave Music: Prince

HOWARD KING

Age: 16
Sex: Male
Dist Features: 'boyish good looks' Spluuter!
Computers: Speccy 48K
Fave Rave: Robin O' the Wood
Hobbies: Boasting about his handicap (gold), kicking the dog 'bout a bit'
Fave Music: Queen

SPECTRAVIDEO QUICKSHOT 2

The Quickshot 2 is the father of most joysticks today, but its age does not show in its design. It has a square base, and a wide, sharply contoured handle as well as three fire buttons and an auto fire switch. It's four suckers stick relentlessly to any surface. The shaft is long and loose, which provides a fairly slowish response. The diagonals are difficult to locate in a hurry and it can't handle double movements (such as flying kicks) too well. It excels waggle-wise and the auto-fire switch is easily flicked on by the wrist. But despite all these faults, it works remarkably well in all games.

Steve: 'Its slackness click irritated the hell out of my moody sister.'

Miles: 'One old timer that's still up there with the new ones.'

Howard: 'Ooh I'm a sucker for the suckers!'

A little slow, a little temperamental, a little noisy - but what do you expect from a four year old joystick? Recommended.

SUNCOM TAC 5

Now here's a very striking joystick - its beige and grey colouring is very chic, good-looking and elegant. The bulky square base sits on four studs and its size makes it unmoveably solid on a desk top even during savage waggling. There are three fire buttons. The stick moves with a very distinctive microswitch click that would annoy your parents and dogs.

Movement is pretty good. The diagonals are excellent and there when you want them, although the stick does twist disconcertingly when you move it. It shines in all four departments but the granulated grip is a little too soft.

Steve: 'I felt in full control when using this one. Great stuff.'

Miles: 'Though it looks very "Habitat" I didn't find it very responsive.'

Howard: 'I sweated so much the red directional marks rubbed off and I thought id cut myself!'

Extremely attractive number with solid build, good diagonals and response. Annoying microswitch click, impotent fire button positioning and rub-off-when-wet paint let it down a little. Recommended.

CHEETAH 125+3

The design of this joystick is very authentic, attractive and similar to the Quickshot 2. The base is robust and granulated for extra grip. It has four fire buttons. The stick, however, looks very plasticy and the seams were bluntly evident.

The wide grip and tight throw allow magnificent handling although its size tends to make delicate or slight movements tricky. It responds quickly and smoothly especially in abrupt direction changes, despite the loud groans the stick emits under stress. Precision is perfect but in waggle-'em-ups, the stiffness of the stick prevents a good fast momentum. And it is simply perfect for games requiring manoeuvrability.

Steve: 'The Cheetah 125+3 is the one for me - it's a beauty to handle!'

Miles: 'I found this stick particularly useful in Skate Crazy which requires a lot of direction changes.'

Howard: 'If only it would waggle better!'

Outstanding all round joystick, authentically designed, furiously responsive, unbeatable steering but disappointing waggle-ratio. Recommended.

POWERPLAY CRUISER

The Cruiser is an instantly appealing and very attractive joystick, with its blue curved base, two-deep set white base buttons, and red standard stick. It rests solidly on four suckers on any desk top, but the curved design also suits the hand.

The feature that really makes this joystick is the variable tension feature that allows you to select one of three degrees of tightness. The fire buttons are very well placed and click responsively. Diagonals are easy to find and direction changes are good.

Adjusting the tension to number two helped in games requiring manoeuvrability, and as for waggling, number three seemed the best. The tightest tension (number one) worked best with Renegade. One of the less muscle-bound reviewers observed that the way you changed the tension (lifting then turning the stick) was quite difficult and a weak and feeble gamesplayer may find it a touch difficult.

Steve: 'I'm a wimp so I found changing the tension awkward - I was so tired I couldn't play the game.'

Miles: 'Not a bad little number for the all round gamesplayer. Worth, the money!'

Howard: 'This is my top stick. It caters for everything and looks neat too!'

Noisy but powerful joystick with unique variable tension option and multi-coloured "spaceship" look. Recommended.

RAM DELTA

The RAM Delia's design is very distinctive, futuristic and angular. The base is shaped like the front of a car while the shaft looks like a gear-stick. It's supported on three suckers placed at each corner, but holds just as well in the palm of your hand. Unfortunately it's shortness restricts precision, especially during hectic Renegade combat.

Response is very polished and light, and the microswitches make the direction changes quick and substantial. While waggling, the small throw (the distance the stick moves in any direction) of the stick creates a good rhythm, but excess exertion leads to a sweaty slippery grip. All directional movements are springy, and the clicks of the switches are quiet and unobtrusive, yet loud enough to indicate when you had forced the joystick far enough.

Steve: 'I liked the design but found handling a little awkward.'

Miles: 'This one is definitely my favourite - I've never gripped such a nice stick!'

Howard: 'Control is superb - and I loved those suckers!'

Superb sculptured joystick, dedicated to those who like looks, body and character in their sticks. Recommended.

EUROMAX PRO-ACE

The Pro-Ace is a sturdy-based joystick with a long slender shaft and two fire buttons. The shaft is good and stiff but feels rather flimsy - as if it might break off at any moment. The lack of suckers and a firm base make it rock drunkenly on the desk during any frantic action.

The fire buttons, however, are well placed and responsive. The throw is microscopic and renders waggling virtually useless. Described as emphatically pedestrian (What?? Ed) the Pro-ace steers quite well considering the limited throw, but the diagonals have to be forced and the shaft is too long for the field of Renegade movement.

Steve: 'Not bad, not bad! I've used a better tool though!'

Miles: 'Nice looking stick this - and it handles well too!'

Howard: 'Cor this is rather good. I quite like it.'

A stiff and flimsy affair, which rocks on the table and reacts very slowly. Steers well though.

SUNCOM TAC 2

This small, square based joystick is the most solid on a desk top, and is compact, durable and quite rugged. It has two buttons The stick only moves slightly in each direction but triggers first-rate responses. However this light operation is let down by the overly (or underly) short shaft.

The sensitivity is excellent and made both steering and diagonals a piece of cake. After a bout of waggling though, the handle became quite wet and one of the more sensitive reviewers suffered from a sore thumb after a heavy game of Renegade.

Steve: 'This one was in a class of its own in playing Skate Crazy.'

Miles: 'Not as good as the Suncom Tac 2 I'm afraid.'

Howard: 'Tac is an apt name 'cos it's one of the tackiest objects I've seen.'

Sturdy solid joystick, attractively metal-plated, is not so hot precision-wise but practically boiling in the steering field.

KONIX SPEEDKING

This unusually shaped joystick looks a little like a lost jigsaw piece and half a pelvis. It's very well designed for a hand held grip but so does not sit easily on the desk. The stick is a short red affair in arcade-machine stumpy style and is microswitched.

It slides quickly into diagonal position and the small throw allows very fast direction change. But the same smallness restricts steering and makes the joystick feel disconnected in games like Skate Crazy where it only gives a fair degree of control. The smoothness of response is great for Renegade, and perfect waggle rhythm is a cinch to get going. The disparity of the design is difficult to get used to, and a sweaty session of waggling can make the stick very slippery.

Steve: I just couldn't decide how to hold this one.'

Miles: 'It looks quite natty and is a good all round joystick.'

Howard: 'It's a bit small for my tastes.'

Originally and economically designed, the Speedking is perfect for those who don't have a desk to lean on and don't sweat much while waggling.

TERMINATOR

Believe it or not this strange looking object really is a joystick. Shaped like a hand grenade (for the Rambo addicts?) this joystick is aimed more at the novelty and toy market rather than our serious 'executive' gamesplayer. The metallic fire button is the clip on the side, while the small Meccano stick juts out of the top. It sits well in your hand and is lighter than its explosive counterpart.

As a joystick it's pretty useless, a nightmare to use and makes you want to go "aaarrghhh!". The fire button is awkwardly positioned and is easy to press unintentionally. The stumpy stick is awful for precision and all movements have to be shoved into direction, although the diagonals are easy to obtain. Obviously an excellent novelty and gimic but not very useful as a serious tool.

Steve: 'The slippery stick is hideous and waggling is bleuuuch!'

Miles: 'I really couldn't get to grips with this one.'

Howard: 'I reckon you'd get arrested if you walked into a bank carrying this!'

Excellent 'macho' gimic that looks exactly like a grenade with a piece of Meccano stuck in the top. Absolutely rubbish as a joystick though.

VOLTMACE DELTA 3S

The old fashioned prehistoric design makes the Volt mace Delta an instant turn off, but it's not as bad as it looks. Shaped like a door wedge, the Delta has three fire buttons and a small orbiting stick. It's quite awkward to hold and is happier on a desk top. The three red base buttons are too far away and tiny - rather like TV remote control buttons. The stick is also too small and weedy making small turns and movements virtually impossible - to go anywhere you have to exaggerate the movements.

Changes in the direction and precision are easy because of the movable stick and the wide gap for movement, but the diagonals are spindly. Waggle-wise it performs surprisingly well and with the minimum cramp or restriction.

Steve: 'I wish I could say this is a pleasure to use - but it isn't.'

Miles: 'Urrggh! This one looks like a bar of Dairy Milk - shame you can't eat it!'

Howard: 'If you like waggling, you'll like this!'

Prehistoric design is not too attractive but it sits comfortably on your desk despite spindly diagonals and misplaced fire buttons. Comparatively outstanding at waggling.

VERDICT

It was a close thing with each reviewer snuggling up to their favourite sticks, and beating each other about the head with their not so favourite ones. But in the end the Cheetah 125+ scraped into first place, with the RAM Delta and Powerplay Cruiser coming second and third respectively, closely followed by the Konix Speedking and Quickshot 2.

The overall positioning was:

1. CHEETAH 125+
2. RAM Delta
3. POWERPLAY Cruiser
4. KONIX Speedking
5. SPECTRAV1DEO Quickshot 2
6. SUNCOM TAC 5
7. SUNCOM TAC 2
8. VOLTMACE Delta 3s
9. EUROMAX Pro-Ace
10. TERMINATOR

Now for the votes on the best and worst buys. Here's what the reviewers had to say and they mean that most sincerely folks!

STEVEN

BEST - Cheetah 125+ "Magnificent handling... brilliant fire buttons... a real treat."

WORST- Terminator "Aaarghhhhh... awful... my goldfish steers better than this."

MILES

BEST- RAM Delta 'Looked quite sexy... the knob was really nice... good and springy."

WORST- Terminator "Bleuchhh!... Terrible... Looks too much like a hand grenade and 1 didn't know to hold it."

HOWARD

BEST - Powerplay Cruiser 'Fits well in the hand... stands out... good stuff and the stick variable tension - wow!"

WORST - Terminator "Yicckkk!... a nightmare... it's bad, really, really bad."

1st Place
Supplier: Cheetah Marketing Ltd, Norbury House, Norbury Road, Fairwater, Cardiff CF5 3AS (Tel: 0222 555525)
Price: £12.99
Guarantee: 1 year
Features: A C D E F G

TIDINGS OF COMFORT AND JOYSTICKS

As we've no doubt pointed out about 20 times already this issue, Christmas is almost upon us, so what better time to take a good long gander at the wonderful world of joysticks? After all, they make an ideal stocking filler! (Or so LINDA BARKER thinks anyway.)

Not really knowing a massive amount about joysticks (it has to be said) I thought I'd check with a couple of my sources before embarking on this feature. What a waste of time - the only comprehensible (and non-indecent) answer I got went along the lines of "Um, er, um, they're those smelly things you light, aren't they?" Useless. Vowing to get a better class of source, I made my excuses and left. The research was all up to me.

Ahem. So where are we? Well, what with it being Christmas (the 21st time we've mentioned it this issue) and everything, we thought you'd be wondering what to ask good old Santa for this year. Well, how about a joystick? They really do make rather lovely little presents - not too extortionately priced (usually), made of spiffy red and black plastic (almost always) and just a nice size to wrap up too! The only problem is there are so many to choose from. Decisions, decisions. I hate 'em (and I'm sure you do too), so being incredibly kind-hearted souls we thought we'd save you the trouble of traipsing round all the stores. Now there's no need to work yourself into a hair-tearing ninny because you can't decide what to get, because we've done all the deciding for you. All you have to do is settle down, get yourself comfy and read on. (Hurrah!).

COMPETITION PRO 5000 BLACK (£14.95).
COMPETITION PRO PHANTOM (£14.95).
COMPETITION PRO GOAL (£14.95).
COMPETITION PRO 5000 CLEAR (£15.95).
COMPETITION PRO 5000 EXTRA, RED GLOW AND GREEN GLOW (£17.50)

The Competition Pro 5000 is the one that we generally use in the office. It's a good medium sort of size and simple in design - a car gear lever-like shaft with a knob on the top, and two big fire buttons on the base, all finished in ubiquitous red and black. Some may think it looks a bit old-fashioned, but I like it - there's no fuss and pretension here. It's been around a while (eight years or so) and is still popular, probably because it's so durable (the shaft's steel-plated, you see).

Seeing as it's the one that's almost always plugged into our office Speccy it's been the standard I've been judging the others by. All versions of the stick come with microswitches on the fire buttons and a two-year guarantee, no suckers though (so desktop work isn't too hot) but the more expensive ones get autofire and slow motion features. It's easy to get to grips with and a good shape to hold but (but! But!) one problem - the stick's too stiff for me and doesn't waggle enough. They loosen up with age apparently (and tend to be fairly unbreakable) so perhaps that's worth putting up with however.

Of course, if you're bored of black and red (and if you're not now, you will be by the end of this feature) you can get the same basic design finished in different ways. The Phantom is a ghostly white ('startling', according to the packaging), with a black handle and fire buttons (very stylish), while the World Cup series comes in ten different colour combinations for different teams. We've got the England one (a white body with red buttons and stick) but more exciting is Brazil - green and yellow. Ideal for Kick Off II!

What else? Well, the Clear is, as you might expect, clear (so you can see all the wires and nice little gold bits inside) while the 'Glow Style' Extras are a sort of transparent luminous acid green or pink. Nice and bright, but really worth the extra three quid!? (I think not.)

TAC 50 (£14.99)

This one's a funny sort of cream and grey colour with four fire buttons - two red ones atop the grey hand-moulded type of stick and two grey ones on the cream base. Oh, and it's got suckers, though they don't stick around for long (well, not on my table anyway). This has a lifetime warranty and it says here that, with this stick, you can "actually feel it when your computer responds". What on earth is this meant to mean? Already this stick has succeeded in confusing me, and I haven't even plugged it in yet! Oh dear...

And it's all a lie. One of the fire buttons on the stick didn't work and I didn't fare any better than usual in most games. As for all this 'feeling your computer respond' business - what a load of old cobblers.

LINDA'S PICK OF THE STICKS

So there you have it. After much debate and deliberation in the office (and a fair amount of arguing) we've managed to narrow it down to the top three. (Or at least, I have.) Here we go...

1) POWERPLAY CRUISER (in black)
A nice shape, well-built, a good price and oh-so-sexy in black. A bit of a winner all-round really.

2) KONIX NAVIGATOR
Quite well-built, small and futuristic-looking, and ideal for when you haven't a table to lean on (or don't want to anyway). Quite expensive for what it is though.

3) = COMPO PRO 5000
Super-sturdy and quite accurate - worth the high(ish) price.

3) = CHEETAH 125+
Accurate and comfortable, if a bit cheap looking in the plastic casing stakes. Very good value though.

Now all you need to do is a) ring the one you want, b) leave this issue innocently lying around the house (open at these pages of course) and c) hope that someone with a bit of money takes the hint! Merry Christmas, everybody!