Ozone
by Simon Roche
Simon Roche
1990

Oh no! That really rather crap feature about really rather crap things (written by a really rather crap person) is back!! (Aaaaaargh!!!) RICH PELLEY proudly present the latest scintillating episode of...

CRAP GAME CORNER - THE NEXT GENERATION

A big "Hello and welcome!" to Crap Game Corner Numero Trois. And, boy, are the games in this issue crap or what? Just in case you forgot, this is the bit where you write a game, send it in, and we slag it off because it's pathetically useless (ie crap, hence the Crap Game bit). Simple, eh? For further explanation, here's a poem I prepared earlier...

They re not all nice and lovely like a big ice-cream,
Or pretty like coloured birdies,
Or fun like going for a picnic with your chums,
Or snogging lots of girlies.
Nope. Instead they're one of the bad things in life,
Which aren't much use to any woman or, erm, chap.
Because (believe me) the games you people have sent in*
Are absolutely CRAP.

*Well, most of them (Cough.) Sussed now?

(Cough.) Sussed now?

OZONE
By Simon Roche

Have you ever tried avocado sandwiches? Take my advice - don't. They're yuck. Which leads me quite nicely (I think) on to the next game, Ozone, which is a pretty slick arcade-adventure, hand-crafted by one Simon Roche. You 're this little spaceman chappy walking around a 200 flick-screen maze affair trying to collect 30 cans of ozone. 0h, and there's a bit of platform-and-ladders stuff thrown in for good luck as well (you've got a jet pack which you can use to float up between platforms and things, but using it drains your energy - as does touching a baddy, or firing your gun). Been here before? Mmm, not exactly original, is it? It has its moments though (like the neat touch of walking behind some of the scenery instead of in front of it), and it certainly isn't half as crap as many games, but (I hate to say it 'cos I'm sure Mr Roche is such a good egg). Ozone could perhaps have done with a bit more speed, a bit more colour, a bit more thought and a bit more to do. Sorry. (Nice to look at though.)

Well, crapsters, look like it's time to say "Toodle pip!" (although I'm not entirely sure why). Tune in next ish for more of the same (only, of course, a bit different really). And in the meantime, if you'd like to make an appearance in Crap Game Corner then here's what to do...

- Write a Crap Game. (Or perhaps not - we're going to be concentrating more on the 'proper' games from now on. Doesn't mean we don't welcome pitifully bad entries, or even write about them, just that we'll be giving the good ones the attention they deserve.)

- Send it to me, Rich Pelley, at Crap Game Corner, Your Sinclair, Bath BA1 2BW (underwear optional).

Bit of a doddle really. See you next issue. Bye!

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REVIEW BY: Rich Pelley

Blurb: BUT WHAT ABOUT ANOTHER RATING SYSTEM, JOHN? The usual one's not rubbish enough, so we've had to come up with something different. And here it is... Technical Ingenuity How impressive is the 'ensemble'? Is it written in machine code with lots of clever routines and a pretty loading screen? Congratulations and have a high mark. Or knocked off in BASIC in a couple of minutes? Have an extremely low mark (and consider yourself lucky). Achievement Did you achieve whatever you set out to do in the first place? Or is it a case of c've d.b. (could've done better)? Crap Factor Ranging from 'completely', through 'quote' to (in extreme cases) 'only just a bit'. Fun Or to put it another way, how fun is it? (No, didn't think so.) Overall If we were to take your game and release it 'properly' how well would it do? The people who've written the good games get the high marks, those of you foolish enough to have written a deliberately diabolical one are down there with the sewage.

Blurb: OOOPS! Seems like I forgot to mention where to get hold of some of the better games in the last CGC. So (ahem) here they are... If you want to find out about the well-worth-having GODS then write to Mr and Mrs Barnsley, 82 Northampton Road, Addiscombe, Croydon CR0 7HT. Then there's FILECARD - a mere £2.99 cass/£7.99 disk from Jeremy Jenkins, 1 Foundry Place, Trallwn, Pontypridd. And you can get the brilliant Destrux for £4.95 from D Alderson, 86 Powell Avenue, Marton, Blackpool, Lancs FY4 3HH.