Zeppelin
£3.99 cassette
091 385 7755
Reviewer: Jon Pillar

Footy, eh? I can't fathom it. At the time of writing (Monday), the European Championship is still going on, and I've completely given up trying to figure it out.

You can, therefore, imagine my unbridled joy when Linda sent this 'un curving in a lazy arc towards my bow-legged desk. I loaded it up with trembling hand, but that was because the tape had caught me a nasty blow on the wrist. But enough of this whimpering nonsense, onto the game. (Yes, we were kind of wondering when you'd get round to it. Ed) It's a game in the tradition of Match Day. You know the kind - no tables of results, no fiddling about with the vast statistics of the substitute left-flanker from Key Largo, just straightforward ball-booting. Well, hurrah! That's what I say. Hurrah.

SOCKED!

Hurrah for the idea, anyway. The actual game itself is a different matter. It starts sweetly enough. You waddle around a few menus, choosing your skill level, a one- or two-player game and which country you want to represent. Then its onto the pitch and hoo boy, into a whole passel of trouble. (As they say down the Southern way.) Your amazingly ugly players jerk around the screen like an embarrassingly hopeful audition for Thunderbirds. Meanwhile, the push-screen scrolling causes your opponents to leap about six pixels at a time, juddering so badly as to raise knowing tongue-clucks from passing temperance workers. It really is a shambles.

Maybe, though, the gameplay is so tremendously wonderful that it saves the game? Sadly, no. The inlay boasts that 5-a-Side is, and I quote, "played to full soccer regulations... It is an accurate simulation of the real game, covering all playing possibilities." Evidently, they've forgotten the asterisk and the tiny text at the bottom of the page, saying: "This is a complete lie." The game is more simple than Simple O'Simp's remarkably uncomplicated cousin Reg. You just nip about, bouncin' the ball off the sides of the pitch (yup, the game's played inside an invisible box) and attempt to beat the Speccy-controlled goalie.

There are a few things that impressed me. Firstly, the player you're controlling is really easy to spot, 'cos (a) the graphics are large, and (b) he flashes like a Three Mile Island tourist. Secondly, no player is allowed inside the five-yard box, so careful shooting is the order of the day. Thirdly, you can switch control to the player nearest the ball by bashing the fire button. Apart from that, alas, it's a bit of a clunker.

Tackling consists of running at your opponent and getting the ball from him. Works every time. Actually booting the thing is a bit more cunning - the strength of the shot depends on how long you hold down the fire button. However, even at full whack it's a pretty measly shot. The overall effect is of, well, an incredibly poor footy game played rather slowly, really. Tch, eh?

5-a-Side is a remarkable achievement. Yes, considering that Match Day 2, the Speccy's finest footy game, came out yonks ago, it's remarkable that 5-a-side manages to be so bad. Yuk, yuk and thrice yuk.

Label: Zeppelin
Memory: 48K/128K
Price: £3.99 Tape
Reviewer: Paul Rand

Want to build a team that's so invincible that they'll have to tie each man up, blindfold them and send along a team of super aliens from Mars to beat 'em? Well I'm not really sure you'll be able to do it here.

I'm sure you all know the rules of Football so there's no need to run through them all... Oh but hang on this is five a side so the rules are slightly different. For a start there's no shooting inside your own half, no balls over head height and no shooting inside the opposition's penalty area. You can also bounce the ball off the edge of the playing area, to your advantage or disadvantage.

Most football games which have appeared recently have been viewed from above but Five a Side reverts to the side on view point (which is no bad thing). Another instant difference is that there is no half way line, just a centre circle. In fact there are very few markings on this pitch. Interestingly there are also rather a lot of advertisement hoardings on the far side of the pitch, promoting, strangely enough, Zeppelin titles such as Round The Bend and Tag Team Wrestling.

There are a wealth of options to fiddle around with in Five a Side, you can play either an international league game, choosing from eight countries, or just a friendly game against the computer. There's also the now compulsory two player option (which I will mention later).

The players are not particularly well drawn but then they hardly need to be. The scrolling is generally smooth and pretty fast but it can get a little jerky in two player mode. Although the action is viewed from the side the goals are placed at a slight angle which makes shooting much easier.

There isn't much in the way of sound effects, just the odd thump of the ball and no crowd effects, but then again there's no crowd! Although the graphics aren't particularly colourful there is an option to change both the colour of the pitch and the players, in a similar fashion to Audiogenic's World Class Rugby - though this is where the similarity ends.

Oddly enough Five A Side is far better in one player mode than in two. But that's due entirely to the fact that everything slows down when two people play. Also you can only use one Sinclair joystick, thus the second player has to use the keyboard or a Kempston 'stick, not very satisfactory if you ask me. Although the action is fast and at first enjoyable, more play reveals serious gameplay flaws.

As in all good footie games you can pass the ball to your team mate but here he just stands still (or awkwardly runs off in a completely different direction) until you bring him under joystick control and this can take vital seconds. Also, maybe it's the quality of their coaching, or maybe they do a lot more weight training than our team but the opposition have a tendency to steal the ball very easily and hold onto it very tenaciously. Another strange thing is that every now and then an opposition player will have a kickabout with your goalie, tapping it to him twice and then, after the second tap he moves to a different position and stuffs the ball into the back of the net. and there's very little you can do about it.

All things considered I think it's fair to say that this title had more potential than is exploited here. Unless you want to become as raving mad as Big 'Al I would leave this game firmly on the shelf.

ALAN:
I'm not a footy fan but I've always enjoyed a good arcade style game. However I do hate bad ones and I'm afraid that Five A Side falls into this category. It has a few really annoying faults that just make it a pain to play.