Drop your hands, or your trousers!!

Producer: Anco Software
Your Stake: £9.95
Author: John Mitchell

Shock, horror! Page Three Maria Whittaker is really an alien shape-changerl The appalling truth is revealed not by the Sunday Sport, but by Kent-based software house Anco. In a series of hand-drawn pictures from their latest strip-poker release they show Maria's face covered in ugly red splotches while her body becomes increasingly bizarre - one screen shows her arm is contoured exactly like the coastline of Norway!

Well, this has got to be the most offensive software we've seen in ages. Not only does it offend feminists, but gratuitously insults Maria Whittaker fans, poker enthusiasts, unemployed graphic artists, anyone without a white stick and no doubt Maria Whittaker herself. Something of an achievement we think.

To be honest the poker isn't too bad, although once you've completed the game, after an hour or so, the £9.95 might seem rather black comedy. In fact there is an option to play another 'girl' which, when selected, painstakingly loads in another 23 blocks and guess what? The pictures are exactly the same as those you've already seen! Anco offends buyers yet again!

The quality of the programming is perhaps best judged by the incredibly slow and jerky scrolling of ironic messages across the bottom of the screen. Readers tempted by this dubious release, can thus be assured neither game nor graphics are worth £1.99, let alone £9.95, even the poster is poor being an exact duplicate of the tacky, but perfectly demure, cover.

STUART [24%]

THE ESSENTIALS
Joysticks: Cursor
Graphics: badly-drawn pictures of Maria (we think) in various states of undress
Sound: a pathetic card shuffling noise that sounds like a severe case of flatulence - perhaps Maria had beanz for dinner

After playing this all the way through, and several times being reduced to just my socks, I've come to the conclusion this is a really thrilling release for all you fans of abstract art. Only about two of the pictures look convincingly human, and of them only one bares any resemblance to Miss Whittaker. It wouldn't be so bad if the computer played a decent game of poker, but it's far too easy to beat. Further tackiness is added by Maria's corny comments when you win a hand, such as 'Your mother wouldn't like what you're doing to me!' Such a tacky licence is clearly aimed at those seeking titillation. But even if you like to keep abreast of both Miss Whittakers assets, Maria's Christmas Box turns out to be just one huge boob (you're fired! - Ed).PHIL [21%]